All You Need Is Long

All You Need Is Long !! 

Long, Long, Long

Long, Long, Long

Long, Long, Long

They said on Sky News that it can’t be done,
But Georgia did their thing and the Scots were stung.

Put in by O’Shea we earned a great draw away in that game,

It was easy.. 
No one could make the run that he made, 
Neuer couldn’t save, it just couldn’t be saved,

From our goalkeeper’s boot all the Germans were calling offside,

It was easy..

All you need is Long,
All you need is Long,

All you need is Long, Long

Long is all you need.
Long, Long, Long

Long, Long, Long

Long, Long, Long
All you need is Long,

All you need is Long,

All you need is Long, Long

Long is all you need,
Nothing you can do now Joachim Low, 

Beating you with our green, our white and gold, 

Now we’re in Paris, which is where we are meant to be, 

It was easy
All you need is Long

All you need is Long

All you need is Long, Long

Long is all you need
All you need is Long (All together, now!)

All you need is Long (And Robbie Brady!)

All you need is Long, Long

Long is all you need

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Shane Long! (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)
John O’Shea (Long Is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Long is all you need (Long is all you need)

Eire! (Long is all you need)

We love you, yeah yeah yeah (Long is all you need)

We love you, yeah yeah yeah (Long is all you need) 
Thanks Shane 🙏
Copyright, Robert Ryan and The Beatles 😊

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Happy birthday :

And so my love you have just turned five,

Half a decade, how the time does fly.

You are getting taller, and each day learning more,

But You are cuter today than ever before.

A lot has changed in the past five years,

But not your cheeky smile and those crocodile tears.

When you laugh I laugh and when you cry I cry,

And my answer to you the same, there is something in my eye.

The training wheels kicked off and you are loving school,

You’ve already shed your arm bands in the swimming pool.

Your kisses are more precious and your hugs much stronger, 

As Our time together is less and distance between us longer.

Your mum is so good to you and you are flourishing in her care,

Though we are far apart now you know I am always near.

Ok, you do watch Barbie but we all make mistakes,

Hopefully that won’t last long, let’s see how long it takes.

I loved all our time alone out in the park,

You’d say ‘nice doggy’ but run away when she barked.

Playing with your dinosaurs and building Lego towers,

Sitting on the floor with you for hours and hours.

Five years of memories and lots more ahead,

Making you breakfast or sleeping with your feet on my head. 

You have fought off ginger and remained a handsome blonde,

And your eyes more beautiful than the clearest pond.

It’s nearing your birth time which was 44 past 10, 

And I am counting the minutes until I see you again.

I have so much more to say, it’s not like I can’t remember it,

But this is more a poem than a love song from TS Eliot.
 

You are my Spider-Man, my batman, my baby boy,

You’ve given me 1826 days of unrivalled joy.

I am proud to be your daddy and prouder that you are my son, 

Being part of bringing you into this world is the best thing I have done. 

Happy birthday munchkin

Dawg Gone it, Bad things happen to Country and Western Folk

Inspired by a cab ride listening to country and western radio..
Verse 1:

Ma legs fell off wednesdee down by the river,

I blamed the devil but it was some kind of fever.

Ma first wife Brandine had an affair with our son,

I went to their wedding, gosh gee it was fun.

It ain’t that easy losing your wife to divorce,

But at least I’m now free to fornicate with ma horse.
Verse 2:
Ma dawg and cat well they both had cancer,

So I asked the maaaghty Lord for a good healthy answer.

I went and done rolled over my best friend Kevin,

So of course my friends, I looked towards the heaven .. 

Then the IRS they went and tooked away my car,

I said Jesus Christ, tell me where you are? 
Chorus 
Dad and mom did went and died in a crash,

While my brother and sister stole all ma cash.

My new girlfriend , you guessed it, she is white trash

And I can’t get rid of this dawg gone rash , this dawg gone rash !!
Verse 3:
A tornado done went and done taked my cows,

So ma third wife and I are having some rows.

Rebuild or not, relocate or stick?These trailer park homes should be made from brick!

Now where is ma little cancer ridden pet? 

Has that massive water spout taked him beyond the sunset? 
Chorus 
Dad and mom did went and died in a crash,

While my brother and sister stole all ma cash.

My new girlfriend , you guessed it, she is white trash 

And I can’t get rid of this dawg gone rash , this dawg gone rash! 
Verse 4:
My fourteen kids they went and done themselves harm,

Playing with the dawg gone tractor on ma farm.

Severed fingers and an amputation,

My baby gurl will never applaud this gorgeous nation.

Now it’s time to say ‘ye haw’ and ride that dawg gone horse,

While shootin’ and Huntin’ for ma dinner of course.
Chorus 
Bang bang yo cousin, hell Ya, she dead, 

She was hit ba ten bullets right in the head.

Now she’s dancing with mama and papa in heaven 

And the cat and the dawg and my best friend Kevin !!!

🙏🌵🍺🔫🐈🐕🐎

Everybody’s Free (to Wear Factor Fifty)

A parody of wear sunscreen ..

Ladies and gentlemen from the class of Robert Ryan..
Wear Factor Fifty.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, factor fifty would be it.

The long-term benefits of factor fifty have been widely applauded by gingers,

The rest of my advice is faceless and utterly ridiculous, 

Based on my own dumbass existance, still though, you can thank me later.
Enjoy the Power of Love, Huey Lewis and the…. oh, never mind,

You will not understand ‘The Power’, by Huey and the News

Unless you are born in the 80’s but trust me, in 20 years, you’ll watch ‘Back

to the Future’ and recall it in a way that you will gasp, ‘wow’.

Is it possible that a gay man before you won’t comment on how fabulous you really look

But tell you, ‘you are fat’, just imagine?
Don’t hurry around the shoe store,

Or know that hurrying is as ridiculous as trying to revive a zebra occasionally by playing Beetlebum,

The real troubles in your life are about things like the hideous musk that gives you blurred eyes,

The kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. in some Lidl on a Tuesday,

That one smelly being shopping on Tuesday that impairs you.
*Sing Chorus*
Don’t be aggressive with people’s private parts,

Don’t put up with people who kick you in yours.
Fart
Don’t waste your rhymes on jealousy.

Sometimes you’re a head, sometimes you’re an ass,

The race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself (so basically you always win or always lose)

Remember tissues up your sleeve or regret the results, your machine will be spewing bits, ‘Kill me now’.

Keep your old text messages, throw away your browsing history…

Drink
Don’t feel silly if you don’t know what to do with your wife.

The moist, festering people I know didn’t know at 22 that they were even meant to have a wife!

Some of the toast ingesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t!

Shout ‘Wally’ if you see him.

‘Hooray’, when you find your keys.

Don’t kiss women named John.
Perhaps you’ll marry, I say ‘Don’t’

Perhaps you’ll have children, perhaps you’ll have a goat.

Maybe you’ll divorce at 33, maybe you’ll give up eating Chicken

After your five hour spinal surgery,

Whatever you do, you can’t play with yourself too much!

It’s great! I’m a firm believer

If your choices are half assed, blame everybody else.
Enjoy your body, it is why God gave you hands

Don’t be afraid of it or what kind of stinks come out of it

It’s the greatest wind instrument you’ll ever own!

Dance, only with a tie around your head, to ‘Living on a Prayer’

Read One Direction as it is better than listening to them.

Do not read trashy magazines, use them only for killing flies.
*Sing Chorus*
Go to visit your parents, or who knows how long you will go without food?

Eat rice without dribbling, or God knows what questions will be asked

And they will simply stick you in a home in the future.
Understand the trends, use Wash n’ Go,

Drink Special Brew, but at the bar and hold on!
Lurk at the side of a bridge and clap obviously as hot girls ride by.

Especially when you are young… you can’t get away with that kind of stuff when you are older.

Watch porn in the cinema once but leave before it makes you hard,

Watch porn on your own sometimes but leave it alone before your girlfiend arrives.
Moon
Keep your shirt on, don’t pee in phone booths.

ISIS will die, politicians will surrender, U2 will get old

And when they do, you’ll fantasize about that album, ‘Rattle and Hum’

Pride was unbelievable, those musicians were noble

And brilliant, respected story tellers.
Inspect your elders!
Don’t respect anyone who imports shrews,

Maybe they’ll be your best friend, but you don’t want an unhealthy mouse!

Drive safe, you never know when a beaver might run out.
Don’t mess too much with a bear

Or before you know it you will be eaten alive.
Be careful whose ‘Ice’ you buy or you’ll be a patient because of those who supply it.

Ice is a form of Crystal Meth, it’s expensive but looks great in Breaking Bad.

Before proposing, don’t be put off, she can always paint over the ugly parts.

Re: cycling, good for the core but it hurts
And trust me, you’ll need bum cream!
*Sing Chorus*

Bum Nose !

If roles were reversed and we pooped out of our nose, 

Would this have a big bearing upon our clothes ?

Wearing underwear on our heads with our ears hanging out

And a Calvin Klein strap covering the crack of our mouth ?

There would be an awful taste at the back of our throat, 

Sort of corny I guess, with a hint of oat?

And with our nostrils occupied would we sneeze out of our ass?

And would strangers casually bless you as they wandered pass?

Would we keep a white hanky in a pocket behind the knee?

And blow our asses for everyone to see?

If we had the flu would our hips then be red?

And would we hold a whiskey filled eye flask hidden instead?

Would we crouch over flowers with our butt cheeks parted,

To smell the roses where we once would have farted ?

Would we refrain from curries and tins of beans

In the hope of keeping our big fat noses clean?

Would you look down your ass at an inferior someone?

And would beggars be called noses instead of bums?

Would you wear two G-strings on your summer time trips,

And remove your nose hair with hot wax and strips ?

The next time you are stressed and life takes its toll … Remember, 

It could have been worse if God mixed up our holes !!

Chat with O2

Just had a nice live chat… Normally I hate live chat but decided to have fun !!   

    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
   

My Interpretation/questioning of Joan Osborne’s ‘One of Us’

One of us..

If God had a name what would it be? (He does have a name; you just said it. It is God!)
And would you call it to his face? (I wouldn’t ‘call’ it to his face; I would say it in a normal voice if I was that close to him!)

If you were faced with Him in all His glory (Wait! By all his glory, do you mean he is naked? If so I would turn the other way. I mean, if he made everything then I am pretty sure he made himself fairly well endowed so basically to answer your question Joan, I would call him God, but I would be looking in the opposite direction, and not be face to eh, face!)

What would you ask if you had just one question? (Do you really have to be Naked God?)

And yeah, yeah, God is great (Yeah he is definitely better than good)
Yeah, yeah, God is good (Wait a second, maybe he is less than great?)

And yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah (I am just drunk now repeating myself)

What if God was one of us? (A writer of weird songs?)
Just a slob like one of us (A slob is usually associated with watching a lot of TV and eating lots of take aways, two things which arrived long after God. And that ‘slob’ created the world in six days only relaxing on Sunday which is his day of rest and which is also probably 5 days and 23 hours longer than you spent on this song!)

Just a stranger on the bus (If he was a stranger on the bus, presumably you would not have wrote this song so be careful what you wish for as I am sure this would not have been a hit had it been called ‘If that stranger on the bus was one of us?’ although it does rhyme!)

Tryin’ to make his way home? (You know where he lives so you know there is no bus to his home, we are lucky to have a bus that goes to the train station!)

If God had a face what would it look like? (Pretty sure he has one Joan! Have you not researched God for this song?)
And would you want to see if, seeing meant

That you would have to believe in things like heaven (I watched Ghostbusters even though I don’t believe in ghosts!)

And in Jesus and the saints, and all the prophets? (And Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and their profits!)

And yeah, yeah, God is great (Ai that he is, God is great)
Yeah, yeah, God is good (Is the next line going to say, ah he is OK like?)

And yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah ( Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!)

What if God was one of us? (Is he not?)
Just a slob like one of us (A blonde one hit wonder who repeated the same words over and over?)

Just a stranger on the bus (Probably what Joan Osborne is now)

Tryin’ to make his way home? (That is what he would tell you, he is heading out to a late bar and does not want the likes of you tagging along)

Just tryin’ to make his way home (Not with Bus Eireann prices)
Like back up to heaven all alone (So, hang on, is he the driver?)

Nobody callin’ on the phone (What phone? Where has this come from? Have you just added this because it rhymed?)

‘Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome (He is in the Vatican City!)

And yeah, yeah, God is great (He is alright)
Yeah, yeah, God is good (He is less than alright)

And yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah (No, no, no, no, no, no)

What if God was one of us? (A perverted ginger?)
Just a slob like one of us (A crisp eating, can swigging, Eastenders fan)

Just a stranger on the bus (What? Are you telling me you do not know everyone on the bus?)

Tryin’ to make his way home? (Who is that guy? That is God and he is heading back to Heaven after a heavy night in the city!)

Just tryin’ to make his way home (Well, he is trying, but he missed his connecting train)
Like a holy rolling stone (Did you hear that Mick Jagger just got baptised?)

Back up to heaven all alone (He passed his bus driving test at last)

Just tryin’ to make his way home (Building a stairway to heaven!)

Nobody callin’ on the phone (This is God, please leave a message after the beep!)

‘Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome (Hi God, this is the Pope, hope you got home safe on that bus. I didn’t know you passed the test, cardinal Wood just informed me. Good work ya old slob ya! I recorded Eastenders for you. It was amazing. It was great. It was good. It was fine. Actually it was fairly crap! Do you mind if I call you God to your face? Please put some pants on the next time I leave the Vatican City to see ya will yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah………………Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Ah Shite you caught me with that beep !!!!)

(Here I go again, hi God……………………………………………………)

My Uncut ‘Piano Man’ Billy Joel – the explanation:

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday (Pm)

The Regular crowd shuffles in (They were wearing slippers, perhaps they thought it was Am)

There’s an old man sitting next to me

Makin’ love to his tonic and gin (He was a bit strange and swore that juniper berries were good for his penis. How he was never kicked out though, I will never know? Disgusting!)

He says, “Son, can you play me a memory (He was not my father)

I’m not really sure how it goes

But it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete

When I wore a younger man’s clothes.” (Last week he arrived wearing his REAL son’s clothes and it was Reet Petite, not sad and sweet the daft bastard!)

La la la, di da da

La la, di da da da dum

Chorus:

Sing us a song, you’re the piano man (I found this offensive because of my big teeth and my crutches making me look like I had four legs)

Sing us a song tonight

Well, we’re all in the mood for a melody

And you’ve got us feelin’ alright (None of them could say ‘feeling’)

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine (I say friend)

He gets me my drinks for free (That is why!)

And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke

But there’s someplace that he’d rather be (At a comedy club lighting fires?)

He says, “Bill, I believe this is killing me.” (I presume he meant the knife in his head)

As the smile ran away from his face (Strangest thing I have ever seen, his lips just got up and ran!)

“Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star

If I could get out of this plaice” (He was stuck inside a giant fish, you should have seen it!)

Oh, la la la, di da da

La la, di da da da dum

Now Paul is a real estate novelist (BORING)

Who never had time for a wife (But he did have time to chat up Davy, hmmmm, see next line)

And he’s talkin’ with Davy, who’s still in the Navy (Davy was actually in the Army but it was either that rhyme or that he loved gravy)

And probably will be for life (Well his contract expires in four years, so!)

And the waitress is practicing politics (And spitting in burgers!, I see everything, Rita!)

As the businessmen slowly get stoned (I say businessmen! They are closing some sort of deals!)

Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness (Four of them drinking out of the one glass, has to be unhygienic. But ‘Loneliness’, what a cocktail!)

But it’s better than drinkin’ ‘alone’ (‘Alone’, what a disgusting cocktail, think it is made with gin, and we see what that does to people!)

Chorus

Sing us a song you’re the piano man (Alright I’m getting mad now, damn my Ivory teeth!)

Sing us a song tonight

Well we’re all in the mood for a melody

And you got us feeling alright

It’s a pretty good crowd for a Saturday (Slipper wearing drug dealers, A senile man having sex with his drink, John the clown arsonist, Boring Paul, Gravy Davy and John, A guy with no mouth, I was obviously being sarcastic!)

And the manager gives me a smile (It was Johns smile. I don’t want it, that guy is crazy!)

‘Cause he knows that it’s me they’ve been comin’ to see

To forget about life for a while ( Well your ‘Loneliness’ and ‘Alone’ cocktails would do that to people anyway Mr. Manager!)

And the piano, it sounds like a carnival (Maybe because I playing Brazilian music, gees..!)

And the microphone smells like a beer (I dip it into people’s drinks when they are not looking, it is like a sponge, I love seeing their faces when they look back and half their drink is gone!)

And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar (This infuriates me, that jar is for money and not dough based products, (maybe that is why the name dough is used for money, note to self, google later) every night I have a rusty bread sandwich while counting my tips!)

And say, “Man, what are you doin’ here?”(I call myself man, so what!)

Oh, la la la, di da da

La la, di da da da dum (Got this from my child)

Chorus:

Sing us a song you’re the piano man

Sing us a song tonight

Well we’re all in the mood for a melody

And you got us feeling alright…. (I quit!)

Do not Trust the Hairy Sailor!!!

So this just happened…. Please read to the end and comment 🙂 

Francois Rabelais was a crazy looking Franciscan Monk born in c.1494. As well as being a well respected doctor, Francois was a humanist who wrote comic novels, Gargantua and Pantagruel which are still regarded as literary classics. He wasn’t that great though as he is now dead but in his last will and testament he simply stated,

‘I have nothing, owe a great deal, and the rest I leave to the poor’.

Witty but still dead! His works were compared to modern day Carry On movies, (by me) full of coarse humour just without the boobs and were so severely frowned upon by the Catholic Church that they were banned and even placed on their forbidden list. (His works, not boobs) Out of spite and in a fit of rage but all in keeping with his ball grabbing style he wrote this lovely mental passage: (You do not need to read the following passage, just give it glance for the sake of the ensuing madness)

‘Yet the devilish heretics refuse to learn and know it. Burn ’em, tear ’em, nip ’em with hot pinchers, drown ’em, hang ’em, spit ’em at the bunghole, pelt ’em, paut ’em, bruise ’em , beat ’em, cripple ‘em, dismember ‘em, cut ‘em, gut ‘em, bowel ‘em, paunch ‘em, thrash ‘em, slash ‘em, gash ‘em chop ‘em, slice ‘em, slit ‘em, carve ‘em, saw ‘em, bethwack ‘em, pare ‘em, hack ‘em, hew ’em, mince ‘em, flay ‘em, boil ‘em, broil ‘em, roast ‘em, toast ‘em, bake ‘em, fry ‘em, crucify ‘em, crush ‘em, squeeze ‘em, grind ‘em, batter ‘em, burst ‘em, quarter ‘em, unlimb ‘em, behump ‘em, bethump ‘em, belam ‘em, belabour ‘em, pepper ‘em, spatchcock ‘em and carbonnade ‘em on gridirions, these wicked heretics! Decretalifuges, deretalicides, worse than homicides, worse than patricides, decretalictones of the devil of hell’.

Francois Rabelais was a man ahead of his time. A visionary if you will. A time traveler’s wife’s husband. His legend continues and will always live on and that passage shows so powerfully his middle finger attitude towards doubters, naysayers and tut tutters trying to handcuff his feather and stop him doing what he loved, writing. (he wrote with a feather) 

On the other hand…..

Captain Birdseye was an average sailor with a big white beard. He spent his days befriending kids with crazy, easy to spot, false beards and he fused an alcohol fueled celebrity lifestyle with a penchant for frozen foods to gain himself considerable wealth. Yes, he was the original hipster sporting a piste type facial decoration and spent his days saluting the poor from his breadcrumbed boat but that was the only thing original about this phony fisherman. He was a plagiarist, a thief, a smartly dressed, hairy word burglar who could not imagine or invent his own catchphrases or jingles. 

‘I only choose the best for the captain’s table’ was first used by his wife in 1967 and when he overheard this, that’s right, he stole it. He stole her words. His wife, the woman who carried him around for nine months and fed and raised him, he stole the wordy drippings straight from the mouth she occasionally, when in the mood, kissed him with !! When fish fingers and for that matter, smugly saluting the poor went out of fashion in the early 80’s the captain struggled with self confidence and the tiny bearded kids who had been so loyal quickly left him for more bearded pastures. They were soon seen cavorting with other captains and Birdseye’s boat was swept aside like a hipsters quiff by much bigger household names.

How could a Claus like character compete with the might and fury of Captain Planet, Captain America, Captain Kirk and Captain Philips? Walt Whitman would turn in his grave if he was not dead thus allowing him to turn, knowing that a captain, a captain was going to stoop to such levels of thievery, stealism and robifery. Richie Valens berated him in his 1980’s hit ‘La Bamba’ after his devious, outrageous shenanigans came to light like a ship crashing into to a lighthouse. He wrote ‘Soy capitán, Soy capitán, Soy capitán’ which when directly translated from gobbledygookery means ‘oh captain, how could you, shame on you captain, well I never, silly captain’ … as Richie was alive at the time he found an open grave an duly turned in it until he was considerably satisfied. 

Other captains like Underpants, Kangaroo and Jack have had their say on the dreadful downfall of this wispy weirdo. Underpants said in a statement, ‘he’s pants’, Kangaroo’s don’t talk and Jack said ‘ahoy ahoy, he is a dastardly fellow sure to walk the plank of life and go to that big burning boat down below, yaaaar’. So what did the bushy faced bastard do that angered the seafaring, frozen food making, furry children of the world I hear you asking? He stole, he ransacked, he burglarized… He was a noun nabbing, character collecting kleptomaniac with eyes only for pilfering other’s sayings and ideas. Yes this soggy seabiscuit was a fraudster, a Freddie Krueger to the advertisers, marketers, poets and imaginators.. When they fell asleep, much like Santa Claus stealing your kids, the big Birdseye boogeyman would steal your well thought out phrases… If you do not believe that he could do such a thing as take the aging but immortal works of the poor, dead and defenseless Francois Rabelais, well, the proof is in the potato pudding my friend:

‘Birdseye potato waffles, they are Waffly Versatile, grill ‘em, bake, ‘em, fry ‘em, eat ‘em, Waffly Versatile’

Captain Birdseye or as he is now known, Mr. Birdseye was not hitting out at the Catholic Church for banning fish fingers nor was he waging war on dolphins, he was just simply a prick. Selling his product with words from other people’s minds. The cheek!! Your number is up Mr. Birdseye and although your morsels were very delicious, your morals were ultimately vicious…. Down with that sort of thing….

If you read all of this, fair play… Thank you and feel free to comment 🙂 

A Walk In The Park

Lovers lie

The sun is high

It cuts the blue

Clouds are few.

Swings are swaying 

Kids are playing 

Dogs with walkers

Bird watchers and stalkers.

Shirts v skins

Hobos with tins

Benches occupied 

Meats barbecued and fried.

Writers write

Squirrels fight

Books being read

Pigeons fed.

Smiles are rife

This is the life 

The Greenest grass

A day out of class.

Baby’s first steps

Falls, dad intercepts 

Shorts and sunscreen 

Tans to be seen.

Legs on show

Places to go

Music, ice creams 

Sunshine beams.

Summer is near,

It’s written in the air…